So, a couple weeks ago I posted a writing contest. You all have informed me by various means that you need more time than I give. Next time I promise to give at least two weeks. Karen is still declared the ultimate winner of round two. I love the personality she created. Below are two recently received entries. I thought we could discuss them today.
1. The smell of bacon cooking with roasted pineapples eased me out of a deep sleep. I grabbed a candlestick to light my way. Walking through the rough walkway I tripped on an old toy robot. Fortunately, the aroma of fresh coffee brewing grabbed my attention. It’s all good again.
by Marie Woods
Wow, sensory skills in use here. I love the word roasted with pineapples, I don’t usually think of pineapples this way I can see the sugar caramelizing on them. (Dinner tonight, maybe?) Marie tells the story of my pre-caffeinated mornings, so I can connect. One thing to work on; I am not sure where I am. Some suggestions; add to light my way (through the graveyard, demolished living room ect. Another place could be attached to the robot. Like changing “an” to” my”, now I am thinking that I’m in a familiar, yet unfamiliarplace creating a feeling of nostalgia. I like how you use humor to describe your characters rebound.
Marie, Great work here. I really hope you enter the next contest (posted in two weeks).
2. One cloudy day the rough wind tore the shingles from the deserted Cape type house. Helena moved like a robot picking them up as she popped sweet pineapple slices into her mouth. Tonight she would need a candlestick to see.
By Christina Laurie
Christina tried the minimalist approach. She used 39 words and snuck in the six required words effortlessly. What I like; using a a noun robot as an adjective. Great twist. It makes the reader really see more of Helena. It is very direct. I like that. Is it possible to use the last 11 words to create more drama? Not that you need to, but want to.