So, a couple weeks ago I posted a writing contest.  You all have informed me by various means that you need more time than I give.  Next time I promise to give at least two weeks.  Karen is still declared the ultimate winner of round two.  I love the personality she created.  Below are two recently received entries.  I thought we could discuss them today. 

1. The smell of bacon cooking with roasted pineapples eased me out of a deep sleep. I grabbed a candlestick to light my way. Walking through the rough walkway I tripped on an old toy robot. Fortunately, the aroma of fresh coffee brewing grabbed my attention. It’s all good again.
by Marie Woods

Wow, sensory skills in use here.  I love the word roasted with pineapples, I don’t usually think of pineapples this way I can see the sugar caramelizing on them.  (Dinner tonight, maybe?) Marie tells the story of my pre-caffeinated mornings, so I can connect.  One thing to work on; I am not sure where I am.  Some suggestions; add to light my way (through the graveyard, demolished living room ect.  Another place could be attached to the robot.  Like changing “an” to” my”, now I am thinking that I’m in a familiar, yet unfamiliarplace  creating a feeling of nostalgia.  I like how you use humor to describe your characters rebound.       

Marie, Great work here.  I really hope you enter the next contest (posted in two weeks). 

2. One cloudy day the rough wind tore the shingles from the deserted Cape type house. Helena moved like a robot picking them up as she popped sweet pineapple slices into her mouth. Tonight she would need a candlestick to see.

By Christina Laurie

Christina tried the minimalist approach.  She used 39 words and snuck in the six required words effortlessly.  What I like; using a a noun robot as an adjective.  Great twist.  It makes the reader really see more of Helena.  It is very direct.  I like that. Is it possible to use the last 11 words to create more drama?  Not that you need to, but want to.